Domestic Violence: What You Can Confide to Your Lawyer

People come to see a lawyer at the most difficult moment of their lives. Not when they are at their strongest, clearest, or most certain of what they want: but when they are at their most vulnerable.

This is true of all family proceedings. It is particularly true when there has been violence-physical, psychological, or sexual. And this fundamentally shapes how I practice.

First, Choosing the Right Legal Strategy

The primary role of the lawyer remains, of course, technical. Conducting the procedure as effectively as possible, deploying every legal remedy provided by law, choosing the right procedural avenue-criminal complaint, protection order, spousal eviction / restraining order-and convincing the judge.

In this domain, specialization in family law is not a marketing pitch. It is what allows for real finesse: knowing which piece of evidence persuades a judge, which claim weakens the file, which calendar actually protects. Making a strategic mistake in these cases carries a heavy price.

Yet there is a second role, equally vital, and much less often discussed.

"I Blame Myself for Still Feeling Pity for Him"

A victim of domestic violence is very often torn by conflicting emotions. She wants to escape, obtain justice, and be protected. And at the same time, she sometimes experiences a form of empathy for the one who caused her pain.

She worries he will lose his job. That he will end up in an impossible financial situation. That he will no longer see his children. These thoughts exist, and they put her in distress-because around her, loved ones are consumed by great anger toward this man. A legitimate anger, indeed, and understandable.

And so the victim oscillates. Between a perfectly justified revolt and feelings she considers unmentionable, which she dares not share with anyone, and of which she feels ashamed.

My role is not to deny these feelings. It is to listen to them, and to know that they are completely normal.

"I Should Have Left Sooner"

The other phrase I hear frequently is self-blame. I should have seen that he was troubled. I should have understood sooner. I should have left before.

This guilt too can be heard. It can be held. It is neither a weakness nor a contradiction with the legal steps taken: it is a natural stage along the journey.

Saying Everything, Without Everything Going into the Court File

This is where, in my view, the heart of a family lawyer's work comes in. The individual must feel protected in two distinct ways.

Protected in the court procedure, of course. But protected also in what she confides: she must be able to tell her lawyer everything, including what friends and family might find unacceptable, without fear that it will be used against her or submitted to the court record.

Because these emotions cannot be translated into legal pleadings. Writing in written submissions that a woman feels empathy for her abusive ex-partner would weaken her own arguments and undermine the demonstration of violence. That is simply out of the question.

Yet "impossible to translate into the procedure" does not mean "non-existent" or "wrong". There is a filter: the lawyer only presents in the case file what serves the interests of the client. The rest is not denied-it is heard, and it remains between us.

Neither Psychologist, Nor Indifferent

This is not the role of a psychologist, and I do not claim to be one. When someone has endured violence, it is often advisable for a mental health professional to accompany them long-term, helping connect what they experienced to their personal story and move forward.

On the other hand, a lawyer who handles these cases daily must understand human nature and the phases a victim goes through. The lawyer's job is not to fuel hatred. Nor is it to force someone to feel what they do not feel.

Lengthy Proceedings, Healing in Parallel

These cases often last several years. It is long, it is demanding, and the judicial calendar does not align with a person's inner healing rhythm.

This is also what makes this work meaningful: I see my clients grow, step by step, and rebuild themselves while the procedure moves forward. After years of practice alongside victims of domestic violence, I know that this way of working-listening patiently, without judgment, filtering what enters the court file-is the most reassuring for them. It is the approach I have chosen.